Well, that’s certainly a dramatic title. I don’t intend to always post depressing things although I suppose I could since I don’t foresee many people viewing this, but today that is what is on my mind: depression. It’s hard to feel down from time to time, for sure, but even worse is constantly feeling this way… Feeling hopeless to change these feelings into positive ones. Afraid that everyone around you will ultimately chip away the facade that you are a truly happy individual. Maybe even a little desperate, since none of the other treatment plans have worked. I think all three of those statements apply to my depression.
I remember being diagnosed with depression back in 9th grade. Soon after my grandmother died, my life fell into a state of disrepair, and I’m beginning to think that it may never fully be put back together. That was roughly 8 or 9 years ago, and I still view it as the start of my journey into my own mental health journey… One which will surely continue on for the rest of my life.
I started out with a prescription for Paxil, and since then I have been prescribed a number of different prescriptions, seen a few different therapists/psychiatrists and attempted to remove known triggers from my life. Things will improve for a moment, but then the depression symptoms come back.
I often try and suppress these feelings since any mention of them seems to place everyone around me into the therapist role. “You should workout more…”, “You should try to eat healthier…”. I’m not quite sure what is left to be recommended, but thus far it has all been unable to really curb my depressed state.
The smile on my face continues to grow weaker and the bright energy I try and carry with me is getting dimmer. I’m finding it harder and harder to keep up the pace I have tried to maintain through life, and I’m worried that any day could be the day I finally suffer some type of mental breakdown.
Everybody says that I have no reason to be depressed. I had no major problems growing up, I have always been given great opportunities to succeed… Somewhere down the line though I keep hitting these roadblocks. The self-doubt sets in, or the insecurities that I am not worthy of good things in life pop up. The smallest of things seem to trigger these emotions in me, and immediately my mind is back to the fragile state it’s often in.
When daily life seems to constantly throw these triggers your way, what is the proper response? Stupid things, like an unanswered text, or a comment taken out of context are able to immediately take me back to a mental ground zero. I guess these moments are meant to be combated with positive thinking, but I can’t manage to force positive thoughts into my head for more than a passing moment.
Something bad happens in my life and I immediately go into self-blame mode. Somebody said something mean? I guess it must have been something I did to make them act that way. Even when a situation is clearly not made bad on my part, my brain says that I am the reason things went bad. I am the inadequate one or the jerk who forced the situation to go bad like it did.
It’s tough to always be placing the blame on oneself. The positive thoughts aren’t going to be implanted there by any pill or any counselor. Those things may help alleviate the situation, but ultimately the responsibility lies on one person: me. And that’s where I’m stuck. How are you supposed to start believing the positive things about yourself and not the negative? How can you convince yourself that you aren’t to blame for everything bad in your life? How are you supposed to change these negative thoughts when you have been holding on to them for so long and convinced yourself that they must be true?